A Series of Comical Correspondences
by sheherasingh
Summary: Hermione Granger and Draco Malfoy both return to Hogwarts to finish their seventh year and take their NEWTs. With interhouse camaraderie in mind, the new Head Mistress grants them the Head Girl and Head Boy positions. Forced to interact with each other, Malfoy and Granger exchange horribly hilarious messages throughout the year and even drags a certain Slytherin to the chaos.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer:This is a work of fan fiction using characters from the Harry Potter world, which is trademarked by J. K. Rowling

 **September Correspondences**

 _Dear Malfoy,_

 _I am writing this letter to notify you that the prefect meeting will push through this evening at exactly 8 in the evening. I have already asked permission from Professor McGonagall to use one of the classrooms in the 2nd floor, West Wing of the castle since it is the nearest one to the Great Hall. I asked everyone to be prompt as to not waste time since we have a couple of agenda to discuss, including the plans for promoting interhouse unity._

 _Again, show-up on time. And yes, Malfoy, this means no funny business after dinner._

 _P.S. Tardiness will not be tolerated, even if (especially since) you are the head boy._

 _Regards,_

 _Hermione Granger_

 _ **Blaise,**_

 _ **Be a dear and break-up with Pansy for me, yeah? The bane of my existence (ofcourse I'm talking about the banshee who has an incredulously mop of frizz she calls hair) is breathing down my neck again. Apparently, we have to meet with the prefects this evening. And get this, she did not even notify me beforehand! The ridiculous control freak took it upon herself to choose the date, reserve a venue, and make a whole list of objectives without even consulting me! ME! This is ME we're talking about. I might be a prick to most people, but that doesn't mean I'm not capable of fulfilling my obligations! I have been juggling schoolwork and running our Apothecary since I was 12! I know more about organizing than she does. And for fuck's sake, I'm head boy!. I ALSO GET A SAY ABOUT THINGS LIKE THIS. Who does she think she is!? I am going to prove my worth, and I'm going to do it so splendidly that I'll have Granger begging me to mentor her before the holidays.**_

 _ **By the way, I'm serious about the whole Pansy thing. Do it or I'll hex you two ways 'til Sunday.**_

 _ **-Draco**_

 _Dear Malfoy,_

 _Have you read the letter I asked Theodore Nott to pass to you? I need to know you've received it. Do send a reply if you've received it or not._

 _Regards,_

 _Hermione Granger_

 _ **Granger,**_

 _ **Yes.**_

 _ **-Malfoy**_

 _ **Blaise,**_

 _ **The bloody thing sent me another letter! I can not believe this! Stop ignoring me!**_

 _ **-Draco**_

Draco,

First of all, stop being a whiny git. You're acting like a needy girlfriend. I did not sign-up for this when I accepted your friendship. For your information, I was not ignoring you. I was revising my notes in Divination. Bloody Trelawney started mumbling a bunch of crap in class a while ago. It was so bloody fast, no one understood a thing she was saying. All of our notes look like Ancient Runes written by a retarded chicken.

Secondly, stop referring to Granger as it. She is a lass, and I know YOU out of all people know that. Don't make me site things you know will embarass the living daylights out of you. And again with the whining. Suck it up. You've been living and breathing the same air, sharing the same space, and doing the same things for the past 6 years (excluding the year of the War, ofcourse). Aren't you supposed to be used to the kind of personality she has? Type A witch that one is, and you can't do anything about that anymore than Potter could. No amount of ranting nor hexing will make her do anything different. So again, SUCK IT UP. I am not your mother. I will not condone your tantrums you little twat.

Lastly, WHAT THE BLOODY FUCK WERE YOU THINKING WHEN YOU ASKED ME TO BREAK UP WITH PARKINSON!? I have plans, Draco. Plans that would not be realized if I suddenly become impotent as a consequence of meddling with things I should and don't even want to take part in. You might be more powerful and wealthier than any of us in Slytherin, but you don't have the kind of influence Parkinson has within the walls of Hogwarts. That bloody bird can find ways to make sure no one, not even Millicent Bullstrode, will lay her eyes on you for the rest of your life. So no. I would not end things with Parkinson for you. Grow some balls and do it.

I am not suicidal.

P.S. You're lucky to have me, not the other way around.

Your daddy,

Blaise 

_Dear Mr. Blaise Zabini,_

 _Greetings. I know you are finding it odd that I'm writing to you since we are not quite acquainted with each other but the same cannot be said for you and Malfoy. I have asked the Slytherin prefects where their head boy is but all of them do not have any idea. It has been 30 minutes past 8 and we cannot start convening without him. Do you have any idea of his whereabouts? If you see him, please do tell him that I need him this instant._

 _Thanks._

 _Regards,_

 _Hermione Granger_

Draco you bloody fool!

Granger had just owled me! Where in the gods are you!? If she comes down to the dungeons and tortures me for information, I swear to my ancestors I'm going to destroy you. Bloody wanker. Move your fucking arse to wherever it is that you're supposed to be meeting!

DO IT NOW!

P.S. If it helps, she told me to tell you that she NEEDS you.

Your brooding friend,

Blaise 

* * *

_Malfoy,_

 _How many times have I told you to not leave food in the common room, especially liquorice? My cat is intensely allergic to those things and I can't have her getting sick every fortnight just because you fancy eating your snacks while revising! This will be the last time I'm asking you nicely about this. If Crookshanks starts scratching her face in my bed pole until the wee hours of the night again, I am reporting you to the headmistress!_

 _From,_

 _Hermione Granger_

 **Granger,**

 **That thing has a name?**

 **-Malfoy**

 _ **Blaise,**_

 _ **I have finally found who has been eating my liquorice! It's that bloody sad excuse for a cat called Crookshanks. It's a million times uglier than that Hippogriff that attacked me in third year, I swear to Merlin. And it's bloody stupid too! Turns out it's actually allergic to my candy and yet it keeps on gobbling up my sweets. Granger's totally going bonkers about it. It's quite amusing, really. She was so mortified when Crookers started going bald for excessive shedding. I guess I might have to purchase just a tad more candy when we visit Honeydukes this weekend.**_

 _ **P.S. Remind me to smack you for the damned things you told me in your letters two weeks ago. None of those were funny.**_

 _ **P.P.S. Stop insinuating that I give a shite about Granger. I can call her whatever it is I want to call her! Or it! I can even not call her anything and just refer to her as "I" as in "invisible" or "irrelevant." I does not matter. I is an insufferable cow who has a bloody ancient stick stuck to I's arse.**_

 _ **P.P.P.S. What happened during the Yule Ball was no big deal. I just ran out of things to say that night because Pansy kept on making me drink the spiked-up pumpkin juice. It's not as if I found I alluring or anything. I looked like a mess like how I has always been.**_

 _ **Yours,**_

 _ **Malfoy**_

Draco,

Do you really not have any idea how idiotic you sound? "I"...really? That's the best thing you can think of to replace pronouns? And here I was thinking that you are the only lad among us lot who is actually in the same intellectual plane as Granger. Thank you for proving me wrong.

And please lay-off on the cat. Godrick's! Granger's going to make sure you'll receive the Dementor's Kiss for murdering her beloved pet, and you know she can do it. Have you forgotten that Potter and Weasley are already working as Aurors for the Ministry? We both know how protective they are about her. One floo-call from Granger and I swear to Salazar a battalion of Aurors will personally escort you out of the school grounds.

I have to ask, what have you done to Parkinson? I saw her snogging one of the lower years in the Common Room last Friday. I never thought you'd manage to stay alive after dumping her...you did dump her, right?

We have a lot of catching-up to do this weekend. Meet-up at Three Broomsticks, yeah?

P.S. Shut up. You totally fancy Granger. You just don't know how to express it like a proper, normal wizard coz you're loony.

P.P.S. Hell right you are mine. No homo. But I do own you.

The air that fills your lungs,

Blaise 

_Malfoy,_

 _Ofcourse he has a name! I just told you! And please stop referring to my cat as "it." You are such a git!_

 _Make sure you check the new rounds schedule for the prefects. That will be for the month of October. I've taken the liberty to draft one up since you seem to be preoccupied by Quidditch and whatever it is you do every night in your room which consists of ungodly noises._

 _I assume that you know how to cast silencing charms. Use it, Malfoy. I enjoy sleeping a full eight hours thank you very much._

 _Regards,_

 _Hermione Granger_

 _ **Granger,**_

 _ **It seems like I'm actually not the one who has been lacking in initiative here. I actually slipped a note under your door two days ago regarding the documents I have neatly stacked in our shared study table. You'll find there the following:**_

 _ **1\. A schedule that I drafted for the next month. By the way, I consulted the prefects about the said schedule so that we won't have to revise it in our upcoming meeting. Takes up too much bloody time, to be quite honest**_

 _ **2\. A survey I conducted regarding the changes we have implemented to create a more conducive environment for friendship among students from different houses**_

 _ **3\. A list of the possible topics, complete with references, for our Potions essay**_

 _ **I am greatly disappointed at you, oh clever one. You of all people should be keeping ahead of things. You are after all, the brightest witch of our age, are you not? Maybe you have lost your touch since Potter and Weasel aren't by your side anymore. Such a shame, really. Tsk.**_

 _ **As for your Crookers, it's not my fault you aren't responsible enough to actually domesticate him. I won't be surprised if that bloody beast will go on a rampage some time soon and end up scratching your eyeballs out. Keep him on a leash, will you?**_

 _ **From your lovely roommate and very competent Head Boy,**_

 _ **Draco Abraxas Malfoy**_

 _Blaise,_

 _Your friend is a prat! How have you not murdered him yet?_

 _Regards,_

 _Hermione Granger_

Draco,

I think Granger wants to be friends with me.

Either that or the bludger has really done a number on me.

I'm confused as shite.

Help.

Sincerely,

Blaise 

_**Granger,**_

 _ **YOU WROTE ZABINI!?**_

 _ **~Malfoy**_

* * *

Author's Note: Hello everyone! This is my first Dramione fic so I hope that you'll be forgiving when it comes to giving reviews. I originally wanted this to be a one-shot but I changed my mind since all the necessary formatting to make everything comprehensible isn't really aesthetically appealing. So for convenience sake, I'm going to make this a 10 chapter (at most) story. Sorry if this one's quite short. I'm still testing the waters here.

Anyway, I hope you enjoy! Don't forget to leave a review (and please to recommend it to your friends if you have time).


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters in this story. I'm merely borrowing them from the brilliant world that J.K. Rowling has created for all of us to enjoy

* * *

 **October Correspondences**

Drake,

I was on my way to Potions when I overheard a couple of birds gossiping in the corridors about some sort of duel in the fourth floor which ended up with someone getting hexed, someone falling into the arms of someone, someone carrying this someone- may I just note, bridal style- to Madame Pomfrey, and someone still staying in the infirmary at this someone's bedside. Judging from all the swooning, the sighing, and the thick air filled with phermones, is it right for me to assume that Granger has just been saved by our very own little blondy? My, my, Draco Malfoy. Bravo! I never pegged you to be the type to use utterly cliche tactics to romance a girl.

But I must say though, this little stunt of yours might just be your ticket to finally getting on Granger's good side. Such a far cry from all the ridiculously mean pranks you've been throwing her way since you laid eyes on her. Not to mention the extremely bigotted statements and insults that are so bloody creative that if they weren't blindingly WRONG would've earned you an Order of Merlin for Literature.

Anyway, do pass by the Slytherin common room tonight. Little Greengrass was able to smuggle some firewhisky. I could really use some because it's bloody brass monkeys and it's still just October!

Signed,

Blaise 

_**Zabini,**_

 _ **I must say that I am quite amused with the amount of time students in this school spend on gossiping, not to mention how they decide to utilize their creative juices to mix facts with fiction instead of something more worthwile. Imagine how much Hogwarts' reputation would be better-off if people actually studied instead of frollicking around the grounds like a bunch of pathetic hyenas waiting to prey on poor innocent souls. Just incase you didn't get the last part, I was actually pertaining to me and Granger. Well not so much to Granger who, by the way, is still unconscious thanks to Andrew Mcorvey. Remind me to curse him the next time our paths cross. Whoever thought I would live to see the day when a Hupplepuff, an actual Hufflepuff, would get in a ruse?**_

 _ **Speaking of that, don't bloody believe anything that comes out of Patil's or Davis' mouth. Everything that they say is complete tosh. Yes, a fight ensued right after lunch. No, I would not call it a duel. The closest thing to a duelling spell that those bloody tossers know is alohamora. Bloody idiots.**_

 _ **As for the other things, I won't go into details anymore because I am not a girl. So here's what happened. Mcorvey casted a spell which accidentally hit Granger and set her flying to the wall. She bumped her head, fell unconscious, and it just so happened that I was right beside her that time so she fell into my arms.**_

 _ **No, Blaise, I wasn't happy about it so take that grin out of your bloody face. Believe me when I say I almost threw her body out of the window. Unfortunately, people were crowding around us so I had no choice but to act cordial and bring her to the infirmary and be examined by Pomfrey.**_

 _ **Will talk about the other things later.**_

 _ **P.S. Stop insinuating I fancy Granger. I don't stand for the bloody pureblood prejudice crap anymore, you know I don't, but that doesn't mean I am or should fall head-over-heels over the first muggle born I see just to prove a point. Grow-up, will you?**_

 _ **Your friend,**_

 _ **Draco**_

Draco,

Are you attending DADA after lunch or are you still playing bedside nurse?

-Blaise 

_**Blaise,**_

 _ **Yes, I am. I'll see you there. Save me two seats that are as close as possible to the door. Don't ask why.**_

 _ **-Draco**_

* * *

So...you and Granger are friends now? 

_**What the hell? Did you just throw crumpled paper at me?**_

Yes I did. What did you expect, an owl? Drawing attention to both of us is quite counter-productive, don't you think? Stop beating around the bush and just answer my question. 

_**Counter-productive? Trying to have a chin wag in the middle of class IS counter-productive, Zabini! Stop bothering me. I'm actually trying to pay attention. Sod off.**_

Blimey, Draco. Are you on your period today? Quite fiesty are we? Just answer the question and I'll leave you be. Are you and Granger mates now? Why are you sitting beside her? 

_Hello Zabini. I know that letter was not for me but I don't appreciate the fact that it landed and got caught in my hair. Please refrain from bothering Malfoy. We are in class after all. It would do you good if you would pay attention to Professor Dawlish.  
_

 _P.S. Malfoy and I are not mates. We are two mature individuals who have decided to put aside our personal vendettas in order to fulfill our duties as Head Boy and Head Girl of this school._

* * *

 _ **Granger,**_

 _ **Professor McGonagall wants to see the both of us in her office tomorrow night. Also, I have finished the incident report regarding what happened yesterday. I left it near the fireplace in our common room.**_

 _ **Cordially,**_

 _ **Malfoy**_

 _Malfoy,_

 _I haven't properly thanked you for bringing me to Madam Pomfrey yesterday and for not leaving right away. I also appreciate you sitting beside me in DADA. We both know you did not have to do that. Although your intention behind this action is still unclear to me, I still want to thank you all the same. Please accept this quill as a form of my gratitude._

 _I will review to incident report as soon as my Herbology class ends. Thank you for handling that as well._

 _I will see you tomorrow._

 _Regards,_

 _Hermione Granger_

 _ **Blaise,**_

 _ **Have you read the letter that Granger sent to me? It's the one attached on my owl's right foot!**_

 _ **Can you believe the audacity of that girl!? She gave me a quill, Zabini! A bloody quill! Why would she give me a writing instrument!? Does she think I can't afford it? Do I bloody look impoverished to her!?**_

 _ **I am furious! I am enraged! She fills 90% of her bloody letter with thank yous, but suddenly questions my intention! It's as if she can't believe I can be a decent person! I am a decent bloke! I'm a well-manered and well-cultured male! Why would she think that!?**_

 _ **And come on! INTENTION? REALLY!? She makes it seem as if I spend all my time scheming plans to ruin her life! I DO NOT THINK ABOUT HER. She is irrelevant to me! Why would she think otherwise!? As much as I enjoy torturing her, I have better things to do than to consider even thinking about her. What a narcissistic brat! Someone should slap some sense into her so that she may realize that the world does not revolve around her. MY WORLD DOES NOT REVOLVE AROUND HER.**_

 _ **-Malfoy**_

Drake,

Yada yada yada. You're reverting to the Malfoy I knew in third year. Granger this, Granger that. You're going completely mad! Bonkers! Cray cray! You're getting obsessed again. Merlin's beard. Your letter did not even make sense!

Do me a favor and read what you write before sending them to me, yeah? It's a waste of parchment and a waste of my time.

Can I just say that from a rational, third person's perspective, you and Granger are both brats. You're stubborn brats who act so sure about yourselves when in reality, you two are the most clueless people in Hogwarts. Get your shits sorted out, will you?

Pissed as always,

Blaise 

_**Zabini,**_

 _ **Piss-off, wanker.**_

 _ **-Malfoy**_

Oh Draco,

I learned from the best. Thank you master.

Your humble student,

Blaise 

* * *

Granger,

What is up with Malfoy? He did not show-up into any of our classes for the past three days nor has he been responding to my letters. Do you have any idea what happened to him? The last time he and I spoke was the same night when both of you were called into the headmistress' office.

Respectfully,

Blaise Zabini 

_Dear Blaise,_

 _I'm sorry but I also do not have any idea what's going on with him. He has locked himself in his room and has refused to see me, let alone acknowledge the food I've been leaving on his doorstep. I'm worried for his health. I'm going to report to the headmistress tonight. Do you want to come with me?_

 _Sincerely,_

 _Hermione Granger_

Hermione,

Firstly, can I call you by your first name? Second, ofcourse I'll accompany you. Just tell me what time and where. Lastly, do you have any inferences on what could have upset him?

Sincerely,

Blaise 

_Dear Blaise,_

 _Ofcourse you can address me using my first name. The whole surname thing is reserved solely to Malfoy anyway._

 _I'm guessing that it has something to do with what Professor McGonagall could've said to him right after we had our meeting about the upcoming Halloween formal. I was asked to leave right away. Malfoy came barging to our common room 15 minutes later with a scowl on his face. I never got to ask him what brought him on such a foul mood because he immediately ran towards his bedroom. From then on, I haven't heard from him._

 _Let's meet in front of the Fat Lady's portrait at half past six._

 _Regards,_

 _Hermione_

* * *

 _Blaise,_

 _I don't mean to pry but can you atleast give me a hint regarding what Professor McGonagall has told you about Malfoy? I'm worried._

 _How's Malfoy coming? He still has not talked to me. He continues to ignore me actually, and I feel like he's more furious at me than ever. What did I do to him to deserve such attitude? I'm completely freaking out. We have only two more weeks before the Formal and he's still ignoring me like the plague._

 _Regards,_

 _Hermione_

Herms,

You're really wondering why he loathes you? Haha Granger. Well ofcourse it's because you told on him that's why he's pissed as fuck at you. Actually that's not even half of the reason why he's infuriated by your existence. Don't ask me why because I am not in the position to say anything. Ask him. Ask Professor McGonagall if you really want to satiate your curiousity. Or better yet, why don't you ask your friends Potter and Weasley?

And please do not insult my intelligence with giberrish such as you're worried about him. We both know you're more worried about the fact that McGonagall disclosed something to me and not to you. You're worried that she doesn't trust you. What very selfish concerns you have, Hermione.

P.S. If you really care about Draco, you'll stop playing the victim card and actually try to bridge the gap between the two of you. I'm not asking you to be friends. What I'm asking for you is to think about the fact that the war spared no one. Draco is trying to fix himself up too. He doesn't need any more adversities than what he already has on his shoulders.

Regards,

Blaise 

Draco,

I think you had it all wrong. Granger might not have been part of it...she had just owled me. She's distressed over the fact that you haven't even spared her a glance. I'm not saying that your anger is uncalled for, because believe me when I say the logic does have merit, but maybe you can talk to her if ever she approaches you? Maybe she can help. She is friends with the lot of them after all. I think it would help your case if you have atleast one of the golden trio on your side.

On a completely different topic, do you think dressing-up as a Muggle popstar on the Halloween Formal would be funny or insulting? Tracey and I are planning to go as Justin Timberlake and Britney Spears. We both think it's a fantastic idea! We're just not quite certain how the muggle borns would react to it. Thoughts?

Yours,

Blaise 

_**Zabini,**_

 _ **Are you on drugs?**_

 _ **Quit it.**_

 _ **Signed,**_

 _ **Malfoy**_

Oh come on Draco!

You are not helping in any way. I'm just trying to lighten the mood. I still care for you and your problems. I got your back. I'm doing my best to help you, okay? Let's meet-up after dinner to discuss our plan of action. But for now, answer me. Honestly Draco, you have this annoying habit of dodging questions.

By the way, Hermione talked to me in our Advance Herbology class. She asked me to tell you that she has ordered most of the desserts that you requested from Honeydukes. The only thing left are the cakes and french pastries. The two of you need to go to Hogsmeade the day after tomorrow to have a taste test or something. Just show up.

P.S. Don't, in any way, convince yourself that I am fraternizing with the enemy because I will smack you senseless if you do.

Yours,

Blaise 

_**Zabini,**_

 _ **I know that your mother told you that you can be anything that you want when you grow-up but that doesn't include being an owl. Do not presume that I'm thinking of you as an adversary of Granger. I'm thinking more on the lines of she has made you her bitch.**_

 _ **As for your question, you've gone completely mental and I blame Davis for that. I am not going to be a part of this decision making process. Do as you please.**_

 _ **I'll meet you tonight. Please do not show-up with sex hair. I do not care for your sexcapades.**_

 _ **Regards,**_

 _ **Draco**_

Malfoy,

Experiencing a dry spell, aren't we? How long has it been since your last shag anyway? I suggest you proposition danger. It's time for the both of you to utilize that pent-up angst for each other so that you can have rough and raw angry sex. Maybe that would do the both of you good.

Always,

Blaise 

* * *

Author's Note: I'm sorry it took a while for me to upload this. I got caught up watching youtube videos, including A Very Potter Musical. So yeah...that's how I spent my days. Anyway, you might have noticed that this chapter is not quite as humorous as the first one. It's imperative to adapt a more serious tone in this chapter for the sake of plot development. So please do give me a free pass on this one first. I promise I'll bring back the banter on the next chapter. Please don't forget to leave your reviews!


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